TOKOPHOBIA IS A REAL THING

‘So Valo, when do you want to settle down?” This is a question only your grandma can throw at you. I mean she is not getting younger and she wants to see grandchildren filling her space with joy.

“Not sure, It doesn’t make sense, settling down when you have nothing to feed a minion” Obviously the conversation was in my head, but I laughed it away and pretended like I did not hear what she had asked.

“You know, when I was 23, I already had three children, try as much as possible not to get to 25, my dear.” she continued as I bade her Goodnight.

I had halted the conversation with Grandma, but my head was already in rambles, and my insecurities were becoming louder. With a personality like mine, I tend to overthink at the least provocation.

Me being me, I decided to consult Google (not a good idea sometimes) and started searching for nonsensical titles like:

‘What is the best age to get pregnant’

‘How to handle your grandma when she starts asking for grandkids’

‘How to know if he is the one (who comes up with such titles.)

My mind was not at peace. Also, considering that I have a pregnancy insecurity syndrome (not sure if such a word exists.) Let’s just say my mind is not ready for the physical and emotional changes that come with pregnancy.

Needless to say, my grandma was not the only one asking me what I wanted to do with my personal life.

Some of my older friends with children had started throwing hints, but I remember sharing a text and saying, ‘ Ugh…. I am just not ready for it, not sure if I can handle it’

The exchange made me think of what fears I was having that prevented me from envisioning a future as many women and men do. I guess I may share some today.

  1. The Fear of handling the situation all by yourself

We have heard of guys who smash their way and leave you high with a kid and claim that they are not the father. That there is a real scare.

2. Not being able to have a good night’s sleep.

Considering that I am the one who yells when my brothers leave the lights on when I am trying to sleep, I am not sure how I will handle a crying child who still needs me for survival, and that includes sleepless nights to feed them.

3. The fear of becoming vulnerable

Yes, that’s right. When someone is expecting, she is vulnerable and fragile. You cannot be doing 50 pushups or jumping jacks like a maniac. You have to add up to 12kgs because you are feeding for two, and you have to go for regular checkups. (I might have missed on the vulnerable part, but I am sure you get my point)

4. The fear that something will go wrong

Now, this is a big fear, but mine goes beyond pregnancy. What if my child becomes a rapper yet I was hoping for an IQ like that of O’Brien? (Just kidding)

The world is full of perverts and predators, what if I bring up this child only for them to land in the hands of vile offenders. What if I can never be the perfect mom?

My laundry list continues to other factors. You know them

I’m scared I’ll look like a house

I’m scared I won’t be cool again

I’m scared I’ll have no time for myself…

Even though I know my fears can somehow feel validated, I know these are just anxious thought that will pass away. God also reminds me that I should not be anxious over anything.

I also remind myself that other women have gone through the same situation and they have managed ( mad respect to mothers out there)

I have also taken the time to build my treasures by teaching Children in Sunday school and learning their different personalities, something I believe many parents miss, not because they do not want to, but because they are busy chasing dreams.

But then again, I don’t have kids yet so I have no idea what I’m talking about and this all may change someday ha-ha!

I guess you can say I’m very mellow. My voice is soft (only when you do not know me well), and I dress however I feel like dressing. And I just go about life walking slowly and observing things. When I’m not writing, I’m trying out a podcast, reading the Bible, and doing other boring stuff like randomly calling my friends and checking on them.

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90’s kid. You fall, you get back up. Love is the greatest gift.

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Valerie Odhiambo

Valerie Odhiambo

90’s kid. You fall, you get back up. Love is the greatest gift.

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